“Don’t judge a book by its cover,” they say. But we do. We all do.
And it’s not just books we judge. We judge people – our friends, coworkers, strangers, and even family members – no one can escape it.
The biggest aspect of my journey to become a more awakened and enlightened individual, has been teaching myself to look inward, often at times when my focus (and my ego) is analyzing everything around me.
No one likes to go to Court and be judged, and the same holds true in our everyday lives. But yet, we do it. We judge. And often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it. And when someone judges us, we usually judge them right back. Or at least, that’s how it is in my world.
I’m fortunate enough to work with someone I consider a best friend. It was a normal day at the office and we were riding the elevator up to the third floor. She looked over at me and said: “Thank you for letting me be myself around you.” And I thought that was a fascinating thing to say to someone. But yet, so true. Why can’t we be ourselves around others?
You want the short answer?
Fear.
It’s the root of most emotions and actions in our lives. The fear of failure, the fear of loneliness, the fear of change, the fear of being judged, and even the fear of dying. It is what propels us forward.
Or does it?
In actuality, I think most of us are afraid of living. More specifically, living the life we actually want. Being the person we really are.
I’ve been judged before. And I’ve judged as well. And it didn’t get me anywhere. In fact, being judgmental can be socially debilitating. My judgments led me to befriending people who, if I had taken the time to actually see them for who they were, would have steered clear of. And, led me to ignore those who were true inside and out, merely because I let my ego get the better of me and, as many so often do, misjudged.
When I started to step back and observe, I noticed that judgment teaches us nothing and leads us nowhere.
One of my most favorite books is Dr. Wayne Dyer’s Change your Thoughts – Change your Life. In it, he tells us:
Let the world unfold without always attempting to figure it all out. Let relationships just be… When expectations are shattered, practice allowing that to be the way it is. Relax, let go, allow, and recognize that some of your desires are about how you think your world should be, rather than how it is in that moment. Become an astute observer… judge less and listen more. Take time to open your mind to the fascinating mystery and uncertainty that we all experience… bask in the magnificence of what is seen and sensed, instead of always memorizing and categorizing.
Just this week, I was able to start putting this lesson into practice. A co-worker said something to me. Something judgmental. And the words stung a little, and I felt my ego start to rise up, but I took a deep breath and looked inward. I had to look down at the floor and see if my tongue had fallen off – I bit it that hard. Instead of judging them. Instead of trying to convince them I was what they wanted me to be, I remained quiet. If they choose to label me, judge me, and not get to know me, that is just how it is. But I no longer feel the need to play along in this judgmental game. I smiled and walked away, knowing exactly who I am inside and out.
Until next week, Happy Living!
December 11th, 2011 at 7:03 pm
I really needed to read this today. Thanks for an insightful, therapeutic post, Lisa! You’re A-Okay in my book–but I’m not judging!
December 11th, 2011 at 7:08 pm
awww you are so very welcome, Ann! thanks for reading and sharing. You are more than okay in my book, as well
December 11th, 2011 at 10:21 pm
What an insiteful post, Lisa. Thanks. I am guilty sometimes of going for the joke, all too often at the expense of someone’s short-coming. Then I feel guilty about it later. It’s not that I do it everyday, but once is too much. I am endevouring to be better…
-Jimmy
December 12th, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Hi Jimmy,
We are all guilty of doing that. Good for you for trying to be better. I know I can probably speak for most of us when I say it is easier some days than others
Thanks for stopping by!
~Lisa
December 11th, 2011 at 10:45 pm
Wise words from Dyer… and from you.
Aloha
Toby
http://www.tobyneal.net/
December 12th, 2011 at 1:33 pm
Thanks, Toby! Nice to see you here
~Lisa
December 12th, 2011 at 12:20 am
Great post Lisa. I read it at 4am on Monday morning and it really got me thinking. Like you, I have the judge and the judged, the latter in much larger quantities during my life and am witness to the process almost every day. It is never nice. We are all different and should respect each other. I mean, just imagine a world where we were all the same.
December 12th, 2011 at 1:35 pm
Hi Alex!
I’m with you. I seem to always be under the scrutiny of my peers (especially at work). I cannot imagine a world where we were all the same *gasp* especially if everyone was like me! ha
~Lisa
December 12th, 2011 at 6:55 am
Ah judgement, what a great tool to use. I see others judgement as a way of evaluating them. Its fun to turn it round and use it as a winnowing. We all make judgements and need to, finding as we do so the compatibility or otherwise in others. Where the real question lies for me is when the expression of judgement crosses my boundaries of ethos. The old adage ‘if you can’t say something nice…’ applies. Interestingly it is in my judgement of others that I find it necessary to apply the adage in reverse. ‘If you see something worthy say so. Compliments and coffee, a great way to start the day. Its all a question of how you use it. Bill’s ten cents worth.
December 12th, 2011 at 1:36 pm
Very true, Bill! Interesting way to look at it. Never thought of it that way!
Such a smart man.
Thanks for stopping by!
~Lisa
December 12th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Great post, Lisa. Very insightful, and I’m thrilled to see you on this journey.
eden
xox
December 12th, 2011 at 3:39 pm
Another wonderful post, Lisa, thoughtful, reflective and wise. If I had learnt anything at all in this life journey, it would be trying to become less judgemental as I get older. It’s easy said than done, as you rightly put it, as we all do it, some more obvious than others, or to a different degree. BUT, if we actually manage to be less judgemental, we look at the world and the people around us in a whole new angle, and our minds are open, and our perceptions broader and brighter!
A big hug to the more enlightened Lisa, my friend – you’ve come a long way and may you continue this journey of self-discovery and enlightenment!
December 15th, 2011 at 11:48 am
Hi Lisa, So ,so true for me ! Letting go( especially of judgemental thinking ) is still a work in progress for myself ! I have a friend who is clearly honest with himself and others and i have always admired his courage. I vow to continue to stop ,look and listen (if you will ! ) . Thank you so much for your wise words and essential ;food for thought . Very helpful for me today.
Nothing but Best Wishes.
Peter.
December 19th, 2011 at 5:08 pm
Sometimes I think it take the greatest self-control just to not defend ourselves when someone says something untrue, unfair, or just plain blind about us. Good for you for biting your tonque and walking away with a smile! Yes, there is a lot to be said for becoming a better listener, rather than jumping to judge. Thank you!