I’ve already told you I’m a control freak. Well, I also happen to be extremely competitive. And once upon a time, I thought that was a good thing.
But, once again, I was wrong.
Well, let me correct myself by saying being competitive can be a good thing. If you’re going about it right, that is. At the time… I wasn’t.
You see, I wasn’t much different than anyone else. I wanted success. I dreamt about it. I could taste it. It was what fueled me. Pushed me to work over 100 hours a week. Made me stand apart from the rest of the crowd. And you know what happened? I succeeded.
Or so I thought.
As a result of all this successful competition, it wasn’t just my bank account that became inflated… my ego did too. I was a young twenty-something girl who had succeeded. I was putting myself through school and excelling in a high-stress job. Pardon my french, but I thought I was hot shit.
And for awhile, I deceived myself into thinking the money, the success, the way I appeared to others was what happiness was all about. That the seemingly never-ending competition was worth it.
After all, this so-called success allowed me the opportunity to own my own home, buy new cars whenever I felt like it. I did all the things society told me I should. But it was never enough. Because there were newer cars. And bigger homes. Around every corner was something bigger and better and all I had to do was keep going after it.
And I did. For awhile.
It was exhausting.
Then, one day, I stepped out from my shower, wrapped a towel around my damp body, and stood in front of the mirror. I couldn’t quite make myself out, so I used my arm to wipe away the condensation. But no matter how much I wiped, I still didn’t recognize the girl staring back at me. She wasn’t successful. She wasn’t happy. And above all, she wasn’t me. She was a girl society had cultivated. A girl who competed with everyone else instead of herself, and while she may appear pretty and put together, on the inside she was ugly and falling apart.
I’ve always had a flair for the dramatic, so that’s when I made a change. I moved. Because the problems, the greed, all the bad things were there. Not where I was going. In my own sick little mind, I thought I could run away from it all.
And for a few months, I was “happy” in this new place.
Then slowly, but surely, it begin to once again claw at my soul. My undeniable need to succeed was still there. I needed to be better than everyone. I needed more things. More money. I would do anything and everything to get what I wanted. There were no limits.
For a few years I lived in my delusional little world competing with everyone else. If so and so did this, I would do better. If so and so bought that, I would buy two. My neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Jones and dammit, I was gonna be better than them.
But I failed miserably. Have you heard the saying “hit rock bottom”? Well, I hit it. And then fell a little deeper into such a dark and demented place, I thought I’d never see daylight again. After all these years of competition and success, all I had was a failed marriage, disappointed family and friends, and absolutely no true happiness.
And you know what? I’m so very thankful for those days. It was in the pits of despair that I began my journey. Began to learn who I really am.
As it turns out, my problems had nothing to do with where I lived or who I was around. The problems were right here all along. Inside of me. And let me tell you, realizing that and trying to overcome it has been one helluva hard thing to do.
I’m not this pair of shoes. I’m not this three bedroom house. I’m not this fancy car or this paycheck everyone says they wish they had.
I’m Lisa, and that’s enough.
After all…
Once you label me, you negate me ~ Soren Kierkegaard
Sometimes you have to fall and fall hard, before you learn a lesson. And that’s exactly what I did. I learned that being competitive is okay. I should wake up and try to be a better me than I was yesterday. And it’s okay to go after things in life. To want things. But I should want things because they are important to me, not because I can use them to gauge my success against others or to impress the rest of mankind. I should want things because they bring me joy and happiness.
Today, I live a much more simplistic life. No longer do I measure my success with material things. No longer do I compete with good ole Mr. and Mrs. Jones. If people don’t think I’m successful because my house isn’t as big as theirs, then so be it. Most likely, no matter what I did (or bought) would have ever truly impressed them.
And I wish I could tell you that the devilish side of my competitive nature has packed her bags and gone away, but she hasn’t. She’s still in there. Waiting. Trying desperately to talk to me. To persuade me to do her bidding. We are each filled with many voices. Some good, some bad. In short, we have to learn how to make those bad voices shut up. Duct tape helps.
Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.
Do not bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself ~ William Faulkner
Until next week, Happy Living!
December 5th, 2011 at 11:42 pm
Great post Lisa. They say honesty is the best policy, but dammit if it isn’t the hardest one.
I am kind of competative. Mainly with myself. I chide myself constantly. You should have done this… why the Hell did you do that, whether its writing or any other aspect of my life I am overly hard on myself.
I was never really like that in the workplace, but I have never had the job I really wanted. The job that makes me happy.
I am glad you have taken a step back now, and just remember that all of our lives are richer for having you in them. If you hadn’t have loosened the grip a bit then we would have never met.
I like the duct tape idea, I could use a roll ot two I think.
December 6th, 2011 at 9:33 am
Alex, thank you so much! Yes, being overly competitive with yourself can be a hard one to kick too. I still have to keep myself in check with that. I love to criticize myself. ALL THE TIME. We really are our worst enemies.
Thanks for your kind words (they brought tears to my eyes) and above all… your friendship!
~Lisa
December 6th, 2011 at 9:33 am
Oh and P.S., I’ll mail you some festive, holiday duct tape
haha
December 6th, 2011 at 6:12 am
Lisa, so heartfelt and beautifully written.
I can see the competitive person you were, and what’s still left in you, and I’m so pleased that your astute self-awareness and wisdom has help you to see beyond that surface, to see what lies beneath and allow your true worth to shine through. I see many people in this world going through what you have gone through. What you described is so true and pervasive – I felt it especially when I went back to China – everyone there is driven by this competitiveness and there is no end to it.
Love the post and will share on.
December 6th, 2011 at 9:31 am
Junying,
Thank you so much for your truly kind words. The world is so very competitive it becomes so easy to get wrapped in it. And the funny thing is when I used to be that person, I didn’t see myself as being that way. I’m just so glad I’ve been given the opportunity to wake up, smell the roses, and be happy!
xoxo
Lisa
December 6th, 2011 at 9:19 am
this is great. thanks for writing this, because it’s very apropos for where i’m at right now. gives me some perspective.
December 6th, 2011 at 9:27 am
Hi James! Thank YOU for stopping by and reading. I’m very glad that you enjoyed the post and it spoke to you. This one was a very hard one to write. It’s funny. I had already come to peace with my past, but whoo seeing it in black and white just brought back all the memories. I don’t ever want to be the person I used to be.
Thanks again for your support! Best wishes to you on your own journey
~Lisa
December 6th, 2011 at 1:48 pm
Good for you for stepping away from keeping up with the Jones’s. I think I fall somewhere in the middle. My upbringing was restrictive with my mom scrimping and saving over every penny. It has made me crave financial security over most things in life. I think money makes you happy ….but not too much money, or too much stuff!!
December 6th, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Hi Emma! Thanks so much for visiting me here! I agree. As with everything in life, you have to find the happy balance. I find the biggest difference for me now is I don’t buy to just buy (as I did before). I buy because I truly, truly want something. And I find I appreciate my belongings so much more, which has been good, because I buy less as a result! But, with that said, I’m a shoe girl, so I still treat myself to a nice pair of JCrew shoes every now and again.
Making a lot of money (especially when you are super young) really tests a person. Unfortunately, I went completely out of control. But *sigh* I learned my lesson and am trying to become a better person now.
Thank you SO much for stopping by to read!
~Lisa
December 7th, 2011 at 12:31 pm
I really enjoyed this post; moving and honest. It’s hard to open yourself up to the world, even sometimes to friends and say “this is me; this is what I have become”, but generally I find myself the richer for it. I try to strike a balance between being conscious of the fragility of humanity, of that vulnerability that we all have and know (especially at the dark times of our lives) and remembering that the universe is a massive place where the problems of any given day are insignificant in the highest degree. I temper that by remembering that everyone around me probably has a problem they’re trying to solve. Needless to say, it’s rarely quiet in my mind, and I do subject myself to replays of my mistakes, even years after the event. It’s hard to let go sometimes.
But I find Max Ehrmann’s words on competitiveness and darkness to be quite to the point. From his poem Desiderata:
“If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself… But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.”
But you have it exactly right here – you are Lisa and that’s not just enough, it’s something special
Nick
December 7th, 2011 at 1:49 pm
Nick, Nick, Nick,
Your comment hit home and almost moved me to tears. And that poem… absolutely stunning and real and so very true. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing.
You’re something special too!
~Lisa
December 11th, 2011 at 3:25 pm
Holy god, so sorry to be late to this post, but it’s brilliant and raw and wonderful all at the same time.
Of course I knew you were competitive, and I think it’s a great driver to getting things done, but it can cause that inflated ego you speak of.
I’m so happy you’ve learned the lessons of what’s really important in life. Too many people soldier on and die of stress from trying to “do it all, better, faster, stronger, etc.”
You, Lisa, are an original. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone else but yourself.
Great post, honey – took a lot of guts.
xoxox
eden
December 11th, 2011 at 5:51 pm
Don’t you fret about being late. My site isn’t going anywhere (unless, of course, I forget to renew the domain name… ha). I’m just tickled pink you have the time (and desire) to even read my little post. Thank you so much for your kind comments.
December 19th, 2011 at 5:17 pm
I can relate to this very strongly–I’m hugely competitive by nature, it it’s hard not just on myself, but my relationships because I compare myself a lot to others. I love that you’re stepping away from labels. That’s a very freeing and also very scary thing to do.